April 1, 2026: OpenJDK coder Hanz Franz MacNamaramara told BCN that the new structured concurrency implementation in the JVM was being rewritten in Python 3.14, described as tasting like the best key lime he'd ever tasted when he tasted it. Mr. MacNamaramara said the move was predicated on Python no longer using the GIL, and the AIs telling him that coding the new model would be easy, so easy, with Python.
"We thought about using Ruby, but ... you know, Ruby." Continuing, Hanz Franz said that TypeScript was also an option, but that the differences between bun and node were severe enough that they couldn't figure out the right tooling. uv won the day for Python, along with Claude's gentle insistence that only one pass would be required to get the implementation close enough for government work.
"This will be great, so great," Mr. MacNamaramara told BCN. "I just told the ol' clanker what to do, pointed it at that web thingy, and off it went. I heard there was a data center on fire down the road, but hey - at least it smells like pumpkin."
Testing the new structured concurrency has shown deadlocks when running in single-threaded mode, but Franz or Hanz or whatever is confident it'll get fixed someday.
Ha ha!